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NOTICE This is not an official site of, nor does it represent, Alcoholics Anonymous. You may contact A.A. at Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. The BIG BOOK BUNCH We are the Big Book Bunch group of Alcoholics Anonymous. Our origins are the Students of the Big Book group, which has met in Woodland Hills, California since December of 1985. Our goals are to live the spiritual process through which sobriety is obtained and enhanced, and to publish (at no charge) our experience for other recovering alcoholics. We have absolutely no affiliation with any organization or cause other than our membership as individuals in A.A.. Our written materials are not official AA literature. They usually do, nevertheless, contain information from the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) and other conference approved literature owned and published by Alcoholics Anonymous. All A.A. material used identifies the source from which it is quoted. References in our documents to Big Book content exclude its stories. Included is all material from inside the front cover through page 164, plus Appendices I (Traditions) and II (Spiritual Experience). You may reproduce materials of the Big Book Bunch, provided: a) that sources of materials (AA or the BBB) are identified, b) that no charge is made for the materials, and c) that they are not distributed by an organization or process that charges a fee. If you have corrections or improvements, please pass them on to us using the mailbox at the bottom. |
Once upon a time, there was a young fellow named Pigeon who earnestly sought to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. One day he lurched into the quarters occupied by the Friends of Bill W. Young Pigeon breathed his beer breath on the members, and he dumped his woes, thinking he had stumbled upon a cheap therapy group. It was suggested he should come back, but that the alcohol vapors and the whining could be left at the door. He was then to respect his welcome, to sit down, shut up and listen.
Pigeon was so desperate that he did come back, and he was sober. He sat, quietly, listening with all his concentration. So intent was Pigeon upon the hope of a new-found solution, that he didn’t notice the grizzled Old-One watching him. After the meeting Old-One noticed Pigeon helping to clean up while asking all sorts of good (and not-so-good) questions of any who would listen. When just the two of them remained—Pigeon and the Old-One—the latter asked Pigeon if he was ready to stop hurting. Pigeon replied that nothing else mattered. He would do anything to recover. [Pigeon had all sorts of formidable physical, emotional, mental and spiritual problems, but he did not understand his situation that way. He felt only that he was on the precipice about to fall in.]
The Old-One told Pigeon that the youngster seemed to have the key that would unlock the door to his own recovery. After lengthy importuning, Old-One revealed what the key was. It was willingness!
Pigeon was astonished that his answer was so simple. He then used the key of willingness to open the door to recovery. Under the direction of Old-One, he took Step 1 [the "surrender" step], which was like the turn-style that admitted him into the arena of life. Then, he took Step 2, [the "hope" step] which exchanged his guiding power from alcohol to the Spirit.
One day, several months later, Old-One took the recovering Pigeon prospecting. Pigeon thought they were looking for nuggets of gold, at least silver. Little did he know…..
Before the mining started, Old-One asked Pigeon if he had completed his preparation for Step 3? "Oh, no", replied the young one. "I have not yet turned over to the Spirit my will or my life." Old-One felt agitation, which he expressed with, "I thought you had read the step. Read it again. What are the first three words?" Pigeon replied immediately, "Made a decision…". Feeling comforted that the kid knew the words of the steps, even though he didn’t know what they meant, Old-One explained patiently that alcoholics don’t have any problem at all making "decisions" and promises based upon them. Pigeon understood right away. He had decided to stop drinking at least 1,226 times, but he never actually did stop until that day he encountered the Friends of Bill W. So it was to be with Step 3 [the "commitment" step]. He was to make the decision every day for the rest of his life. Waiting for the burning bush or descending doves was not his destiny.
Once arrived at the prospecting site, Pigeon was instructed to follow the Old-One as be headed into the forest at a surprising gait. Before long the two entered a verdant, moss-carpeted clearing in the midst of giant Douglas Firs. A brook subtly gurgled at their feet. Shafts of sunlight shot through overhead limbs. Pigeon was awestruck. He knew the Spirit lived there.
Old-One knelt by an inviting rock, motioning to Pigeon to join him. Pigeon hit his knees facing his teacher. Old-One then recited this sobriety invocation, with Pigeon joining him in eager reverence…
the Prayer of Step Three
Spirit, I offer myself to you— |
Pigeon felt the Creator of the Universe permeate his being. He basked in the presence of infinity in this sacred grove.
His reverie, however, was followed immediately by their walking silently to a crest overlooking another, larger, stream. Beside the stream was a precarious pair of narrow rails that disappeared around a bend.
"Are we going to prospect now?" Pigeon inquired. "No, the prospecting has been done. You are to mine the ore that I will point out to you," responded Old-One. "Around that first bend you will find a cave named ‘List#1’. Enter there with the ore-cart you see on the tracks. Dig up the red ore, and put it into the cart. Proceed to the second mine, ‘List#2’, and get the black ore. Continue on to #3 and #4, collecting the yellow and orange ores. I will await you on that knoll over there at the end of the rails. Be searching and fearless. Absolutely no harm will come to you."
Pigeon found that mining, when searching and fearless, was no trivial task, but that actually doing it was less formidable than fearing it. He toiled until the sun shafted horizontally into mine #4. Finally, he pushed the heavily laden cart up to his guide, whereupon he wiped the honest sweat from his brow as he anticipated the treasure that was soon to be his. He had, he thought, completed Step #4 [the "honesty" step]. However, he knew that Step #4 must be in writing because the Big Book said so 10 times. He also knew that he could not write, so a special version was in store for him - until he could write.
Early the next morning, they set to refining Pigeon’s ore. Old-one suggested that they could either look for precious metals, or else they could look for the most priceless treasure in the universe. Pigeon was troubled, but he readily opted for something superior to the gold or silver he had expected.
Imagine his bewilderment when Pigeon learned further that the substance to be refined from his effort had negative value. That is, he would receive something to be gotten rid of rather than saved. ["Why, in the world, he thought, had he wasted all that sweat on something less than worthless?"] With no small trepidation and enormous confusion, Pigeon agreed to the extraction of the presence of his past from his own psyche. His mind, according to the Old-One, contained a number of misguided motives, misunderstandings, denials, confusions, out-of-balances and just plain wrong-thoughts. These had led to Pigeon’s drinking of alcohol. Once alcohol was thus enabled, Pigeon was totally powerless—his life was unmanageable, and the spirals of drink-debauch became increasingly devastating.
Pigeon dumped his cart there before himself, before the Spirit and before his wise mentor. The colored ores then appeared in the same order (top-to-bottom) as he had mined them. What marvelous foresight that was.
Old-one had Pigeon comb through the red ore from List #1. "What does red signify?", he said. Pigeon wasn’t sure which frame of reference he should use. He knew that red was symbolic of the heart, courage and fire. But these were not undesirable. So, he answered "anger", because he was seeing a tinge of red stemming from his disappointment over the missing gold. "That’s right" responded Old-One as he pointed to the red ore. "See there, that’s your resentment of your Father. Now, what did he do that caused you to be angry with him?" Old-One listened patiently while Pigeon catalogued the abuse heaped upon himself and his Mother by his toss-pot Father. He relived the shame he felt at school when his class mates read about Dad’s arrest.
"Good, that’s half of the refinement of the red ore for your Father", said Old-One. "You have identified the first name on your grudge-list and you have nailed down what they did to get there. OK, lad." With something more than curiosity, Pigeon then was informed to search within himself for the sensitivity/vulnerability or trigger that his Father had pushed. "Gee, I was afraid of him. He made me feel like I was slime." In response to Pigeon’s quick learning, Old-One added more yarn to the serape of serenity that was being woven.
| Resentment Triggers | |
|---|---|
| 1. Ambition | 6. Pride |
| 2. Fear | 7. Self esteem |
| 3. Financial security | 8. Sex relations |
| 4. Physical security | 9. Health |
| 5. Personal relationship | 10. Sense of justice . |
"You just mentioned two of the ten triggers that most of us can have. I will display them all here in the sand for you." And Pigeon branded the triggers into his long-term memory banks.
Old-One then fixed his benevolent, but penetrating gaze into Pigeon’s eyes. "Are you ready for the clincher?", he asked. "Sure", replied Pigeon, not realizing he was now in for some troublesome soul-searching. "Very well", said Old-One, "What was it you did to provoke your Father into doing what he did? Or, how did you contribute to his behavior? Or, which of his triggers did you push first?
After some time, Pigeon said, "Well, he was really disappointed with me. He wanted me to be a jock in school, but I ate all the time, watched TV, got fat, smelled up the house with my chemistry set, conned my Mother into defending me, and, uh, I traded his shot gun for a bottle of Jack Daniels. One of the reasons I did that was to show him he couldn’t run my life. I guess I really showed him, didn’t I!" "Looks like you just might have thrown yourself right back into his face. Have you revealed all you think is important about your Father?", inquired the Old-One. A tear was visible in Pigeon’s eye when he mentioned quietly that Dad had never said he loved him. He only loved his jock brother. Old-One’s hand found it’s way to Pigeon’s shivering shoulder. He mentioned–almost as an after thought, "There will come a time when you will forgive your Father, you know. You must, if you value your very life!" Somehow, Pigeon already knew that. The seething disappointment and resentment had just about burned him up inside. He was willing to be free of the hate that kept him from being at peace with his Father. Forgiveness, it turned out, was the only path to his own liberation.
Pigeon continued refining his resentments with his teacher. He extracted the who, what, why and how for each one. There were 23 people, ideas and institutions from his List #1 when the red ore was gone.
Somehow, the black ore from List #2 looked ominous. Old-One sensed this, and he affirmed that the refined product was the evil and corrosive thread that shot through the fabric of Pigeon’s life. As Pigeon prepared to jerk his hand from the ore, Old-One assured him that it’s basis—fear—was harmless unless Pigeon grasped it and made it valid. Together, they isolated the fears and worries from which Pigeon had run all these years.
And now, there before him, were the yellow and orange ores. Old-One said, "From the remainder of your digging you will find the harms you have done others. The yellow variety distills into sexual harms, and orange yields all the others." Their procedure was somewhat like that of the resentments, except that here Pigeon was the one who did the harming. They looked at who was harmed, what Pigeon had done, and why.
| the Products of Step Four 1. Those whom Pigeon
resented for harming him, so he had thought |
As the sun was thinking of retiring from the sky the prospectors inspected what lay before them:
Having honestly admitted to the Spirit and to another human being the facts of his experience, Pigeon began to learn the exact nature of his wrongs. He was pleased as his Fifth Step continued, and Old-One made it clear they were only half done. They now picked up and inspected each one of the "gems" that had been extracted from Pigeon’s ore.
For each "gem" Pigeon held, Old-One asked, "What was the flaw in your make-up that caused this anyway?" He made it easier with the GAPLEGS test. He asked, "was it Greed, Anger, Pride, Lust, Envy, Gluttony or Sloth that was the basis for the gem? These are seven of the more common Defects of Character that have warped your life, son." (You may prefer PAGGLES if it important for you that Pride lead the list.) Some of the other defects they uncovered in Pigeon illuminated the truth that he was a liar, cheat, thief, gossip and wastrel. In all, there were 7 major character defects and 11 others. A token was smelted for each of the eighteen. The esoteric progression of character defects was then revealed to be: motives lead to thoughts, thoughts lead to actions, repeated actions create habits, and the combination of one’s motives and habits define his character—his underlying moral basis.
| the Products of Step Five 1. Defects of Character |
Before the two retired, Old-One and Pigeon put all of the "gems" and tokens into three piles representing the tangible products of Step #5. "These we will attend to in the morning", he said.
As a yawn crept from Pigeon’s mouth, Old-One pulled a worn and ancient book from his breast pocket. Pigeon noticed faint gold lettering on the small volume. It read, "Your Promised Sobriety". "There are 153 promises awaiting you, my boy", said Old-One. You will find them in the book from which these were extracted. [Old-One did not mention that the source book was the large blue volume Pigeon read every day before retiring, and which he always saw with the Friends of Bill W.} You have pocketed your pride and gone to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past, withholding nothing. You have done well.
Oh yes, and here are the promises for which you are now eligible as a consequence of Step #5 [ the "truth" step]:
|
"Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing,
|
As you prepare for sleep, absorb the heavens into yourself, smell the forest, hear the brook, and be receptive for an hour. Carefully review what we have done. Thank the Spirit from the bottom of your heart that you know Him better.
Pigeon drifted off into the glory of his new-found life. He awoke with the pre-dawn, and he then had but a faint recollection of the Old-One’s words as he drifted off to sleep: "Young Pigeon, you have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which you will identify with your own conception of a Power greater than yourself. For, deep down in you is the fundamental idea of the Spirit. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or other it is there. For faith in a Power greater than yourself, and miraculous demonstrations of that power in human lives, are facts as old as man himself. You are finally seeing that faith in some kind of Spirit is part of your make-up, just as much as the feeling for a friend. You have searched fearlessly, and He was there. He was as much a fact as you were. You found the Great Reality deep down within you. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found. It was so with us."
As the world about him awoke, pigeon knew that he, too had an awakening, but to the Spirit right inside of himself. He was in profound awe.
Old-One soon arrived, and he instructed Pigeon to put the yellow and orange items denoting forgiveness and amends in a leather pouch. These were material for Step #8.
Into a second bag Pigeon then placed the pile of Character Defects. Old-One produced an ancient pewter-like tray, and he told Pigeon that Steps #6 and #7 were to be done in private. Therefore, Pigeon listened carefully as the steps were described to him, and with a light heart he gathered the bag of Defects and the tray, and solemnly he strode into the forest—alone.
Instinct led Pigeon right back to the mystic mossy meadow of his third Step. It resonated with the caress of the Spirit, and his spine tingled with delight. He sat before the rock, placed the tray on the moss, and he took the first Character Defect from the bag. As instructed, he meditated upon the Defect–it was sloth. Was he ready to have sloth removed from his life? Wouldn’t he like to do the things before him to be done, rather than to belly-ache, procrastinate, and deny himself and others of the things that were legitimate products of legitimate action? He truly wanted to be free of this fear-laden curse. He was sure. He placed sloth on the tray.
Pigeon continued with the 17 remaining defects, placing them upon the tray when he was entirely ready for them to be removed from him. If he still clung to something, not letting go, he asked the Spirit to help him be willing.
The appearance of lust caused some confusion. He knew he was not relinquishing shared love by releasing lust. But, he was not sure he knew how to close the door on his old companion. He reflected upon all the hours he had spent, drunk and not-drunk in pursuit of fantasy and fleeing partners. What an expensive devotion of the hours of his life for those few fleeting moments of fulfillment that rarely did materialize, only to recede into the past. He had come to know that the imperious urge would always be right back, demanding again his entire consciousness. He placed lust upon the tray, hoping he would not invite its brother back into his life. In no case was he to insist that he would never relinquish a defect unto the tray. He was faithful to his teaching, for by now he knew that his teacher knew. Pigeon had now completed Step #6 [ the "willingness" step].
And his trust in the Old-One was necessary for what he was now about to do! Pigeon removed his sandals. He then arose, letting the moss caress the soles of his feet. Alone in the radiance of the sun-streaked woods, one-by-one, he removed all the garments that hid his nakedness. And there he was as the voice of the loving Old-One whispered in his ear, "No matter where you go, Pigeon, there you are." Pigeon knew better than to try to fool or cajole the Spirit. His nakedness was as much symbolic as factual. He was to have no pretense, no reservation. He was to be just himself as he really was. For, he knew that the root of humility is the same root as appears in humor and humus. He knew that humility meant being "Down to earth", true, real, and of the Spirit.
| The Seventh Step Prayer |
|
My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen. |
Pigeon stooped to raise up the tray—the past that had so stooped him.
With sure foot Pigeon and his tray approached a sandy bank of the brook, and he slowly waded into a still, deep hole. The crystal water gently swirled up to his waist. He raised the tray to his chest as he uttered the Seventh Step Prayer given to him in full knowledge that the Creator of the Universe was present, and that He approved of the cleansing in process. Very slowly, Pigeon advanced further from the shore until the water lapped into the tray, jostling the defects so laboriously placed there.
As the Old-One had instructed, Pigeon ever-so-slowly rotated the tray away from himself, and its contents settled to the sand in the deepest part of the brook. The tray was empty, then it was gone. As Pigeon watched, some of his "gems" began to dissolve. Others disintegrated into powder, washing downstream. Several seemed to remain. These might reappear in his bag, either because he had not let them go completely or because they were still of value to him in this crucible of life.
In a state of rapture, Pigeon returned to the rock where his Third Step still resounded. All at once, in spontaneous and involuntary reflex he found himself on his knees. His still-wet hands clasped his face, and with the most fervent jubilation imaginable, he sputtered out these words:
| Pigeon's Prayer of Gratitude |
|
Father, thank you for being. Thank you for this day. Thank you for the Fellowship of life. Thank you for my teacher. Thank you for what you have given me. Thank you for what you have taken away. Thank you for what is left. Thank you for this opportunity, at last, to be of service to you and my fellows. Amen. |
In a while, Pigeon arose, He slowly dressed and then returned silently to his beloved teacher and to the awaiting world.
The man who strode from the baptism of the Spirit was no longer the young lad who had arrived with his tray and baggage.
Here was a free man, ready for the expiation of his guilt in Steps #8 and #9.
His gratitude was overwhelming. Pigeon just knew, somehow, that the world welcomed him, and it would be better for his having been here. He had then completed Step Seven [the "humility" step].